The “Nope” Book

By Collaborative Anonymous

Dating is tough. You would think that in this day and age, we would have an algorithm for finding “the one.” We have all these advanced technologies in 2017 (even an iPhone X!) but when it comes to finding that special person, we’re subject to the play-booky cult books, dating apps, friends setting you up, shidduch resumes upon resumes, and personality quizzes galore. Love languages anyone? I know, I know – I’m a sucker for them too. It truly is quite a journey to find this elusive “one.” Of course, dating can be fun too, and filled with eye-opening experiences. But some dates are eye-opening for the wrong reasons, down to sheer absurdity. Not all dates are stellar. Nope. Not at all. But they sure do make great stories!

In light of the dating journey we all face, the editors at Perspective took the liberty of collecting some of these stories from readers across campus so that we can all take a moment to sit back and laugh at the dating struggle we all share.

“I once went out with a guy who took me out to a nice restaurant in the Five Towns on a Saturday night. He spent the entire time talking about himself and I could barely get a word in. When it came time to pay, I thought he might be able to avenge himself and cover the tab, but he simply paid for himself! Following dinner, we went on a walk where he continued to talk about himself, as well as theoretical scenarios and philosophy. At the end of the date, we stopped in a park where he told me he had had a good time and that I was such a good listener. He asked me for a kiss, which I declined. Once we departed, it’s simple to say I didn’t return his calls.”

“One time, me and this guy went to Starbucks for coffee. We were talking about all sorts of things and somehow we got into politics. My mistake. After ten minutes of him chattering away and enjoying the sound of his own voice, I expressed to him that I myself, am actually more apolitical in general, but that I just don’t think about it too much. Maybe we could talk about something else? He looked at me, with a little bit of a pained expression on his face and said, ‘can I just finish my thought?’”

“This Five Towns guy from a different college took me out on a date to a restaurant, and it started off nice and dandy. He then suggested that we go back to his mom’s place and watch a movie, which I thought sounded pretty innocent since his mom would be there. I also didn’t know that ‘Netflix & Chill’ was a thing back then, so I agreed. Ten minutes into Django Unchained, he attempted to ‘chill’ with me. Naturally, I rejected his advances, so he stopped, but then tried again. Every time I said I wasn’t feeling it, he would stop, and then try again as if I would be ‘feeling it’ a minute later. After this went on for quite some time, I demanded that he drive me home. On the way home, he stopped the car and asked if I was absolutely sure I didn’t want to hook up with him. Hard pass. Jewish boys really need to tone down their thirst. Needless to say, I never contacted him again. Netflix and Never in your wildest dreams, homeboy.”

“I went on a date where the guy ordered for me without asking what I wanted. We went to Bedford, but not the one across the street [from Brookdale Residence Hall]. The one in Queens. He ordered a steak for two. He then proceeded to talk about other girls he’d dated, which seminaries they had gone to and why he was no longer dating girls from those seminaries (they weren’t smart enough. Apparently, my seminary was?), along with how he enjoyed crashing his friends’ first dates. He told me about the time when he snuck into the restaurant where his friend was on a date and ordered them dessert with a Happy Birthday song. But he would also be a little more casual and just troll the couple and just specifically go to eat in the same restaurant that night.”

“A girl I’m friendly with set me up with a much older guy. 6 years older. We texted a bit and decided to meet on the Upper West Side at a bar that he suggested. First of all, he didn’t pick me up. Hello, I’m 18 years old. Second, we get to the bar and it’s packed. I was wearing mini-heels and we stood there talking for over three hours, bro. He also bought me a bunch of drinks and I became very tipsy. Then, he asked me if I wanted to WALK to a pizza shop. So we WALKED, and my feet were actually killing me, but we got there, and I was still excited for my pizza, given my tipsy state. I saw some friends I knew there, so I went to say hi and then when I came back, and saw my plate, all there was was a crust. HE ATE MY PIZZA! I looked up at him in dismay and he laughed! I was like, ‘this is not funny,’ and he offered to buy me another slice, but never did. I love food and I was super mad. I was not going on another date. Then he goes ‘So, do you want to go this party?’”

“I went on a date once, and the guy was much more religious than I was. We went to Carlos and Gabby’s and then went bowling. Before the meal, he asked me if I wanted to wash and I said that I don’t really wash. He wasn’t too happy about it, but he didn’t say anything during the meal. At the end of the date, he said, ‘Oh, do you bentch?’ I said that I don’t really bench, and he said, pretty forcefully, ‘well, we’re SAYING it.’ I was so turned off by his condescending ways that I just couldn’t anymore. Needless to say, it was our first and only date.”

“I met this guy in an organic chemistry class at another college. We hit it off right away and started going out. For three weeks, we did everything together that couples do. We went to the movies, ice skating, and dinner. Everything people do in relationships, right? But the thing is, we never actually defined the relationship. So, after about a month, I decided Ok, let me just ask him. Can’t hurt. So I texted him, and he said said he felt the same way, and that we were on the same page. Yay! He invited me for dinner the following night and I got all dressed up and I got there right on time, and waited… and waited. Guess what? He never showed up! But that wasn’t the weirdest part. After that, he was less than responsive over text, and on Monday when I got to class, he had disappeared. Gone. Ghosted. He didn’t even bother to actually drop the class and his name was still on the roster. Every day, the teacher would call his name, look at me (because he knew we were friends) and we’d share a moment of confusion and shrug together.”

“A guy told me that he never opens the door for a girl because he feels like it’s beneath him. He doesn’t want to be a doorman. Yes, he verbalized that to me.”

And there you have it! Enjoy, share with friends, and remember that sometimes those dates don’t all go as planned. But that’s okay. Humor can brighten any day!

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